Killed for the second time

How would I know that it is water dripping from my face when I’m taking a bath and not tears?
How would I know that it is sweat dripping from my face when it is to hot and not tears?
How would I know if it is the sickness of the heart that is killing me and not love?
How would I know if I am still alive and not dead?

This is the second time I’m killed. This is my second death. The second time I love too much but suffer too much in return. sacrifice almost everything. But achieve only little things. It is easy to say “I am happy because your happy” nut the truth is, yes I am happy for you but not for me. The pain still stings my heart even now. Unlike the first one that takes me a year to recover. This one would take me eternity to recover. Suffering forever after all those sacrifice. After al the trust I have broken just to bring her happiness. Just to give her everything. I know that what I am giving is not enough, because if it is, then it won’t be like this. Maybe just like before. I’ll be back to being a ghost again. No feelings, moaning, crying, suffering and a lot more. They say that I should not feel like this because there are so many girls there for me to love. Nut I told them “Why would I love other girls, when the girl that I really love is just infront of me. Why would I love them, when I can’t love anymore because the one that holds my heart is the only one I could love, but the thing is, “mahal niya ba ako?”. Many rumors telling she love me. But it just me it all worst. “napapaasa lang ako”. She just treat me as a friend and thats okay. Atleast she treat me as a person, as a friend. Not like the first one. She may be the second but, I really love her, i won’t face all of this if I don’t love her. This pain would heal, and I will revive. The question is, when?

You know, I have this wonderful dream last night. She is with me. We having a dance. We being together. forever. A wishful dream. A very precious one.

I may be a fool, but I am an unchained hope lover.

*I know many would react on this blog or won't mind this blog. But I tell you. Blogs are made to express ones self, to express ones ideas. right? till next post.*

Shuttered

In this world.. we are just a grain of sand.. a data.. we are just... humans... taht is what I learned from the story my thrid year english teacher told me about... which I have just acceptedjust now.. I did accept it before but not that much... experience childhod... being illusionized by the teachings and shows of the people... being told what they have wanted you to know or what they wanted you to believe... which some are true and some are not... a life in a dream... a perfect dream.. a dream in which when you grow up would be a train like nightmare that will hit you right in the face and heart which would shutter you and leave you commatosed.. not literaly commatosed but it is far more severe than the literal one... accpeting somethings in your life are hard... everyone do... even accepting a neighbor that is quite unique and different is an issue on us...

let me refresh you in this... "emo", "punk", "goths", "nerds", and "dead kid" are just some of the names we call other people which are "weird" for us... words that we really doesn't understand... people whom we also doesn't understand... instead of names... don't you think it is better to give them understanding? yes it is esy said than done and that hardness is the reason we always do the wrong thing... which for other people are easy to do but it is a nightmare to leave in that life... yes it is easy... for just a moment... a temporary happiness. While doing the right thing is far more harder but results to somehow unlimited and permanent happiness....

Me... I live yes... but not that happy as others think and not that lonely as others think... yes, i accept i'm not that handsome nor that smart nor to good in my talents... but i'll tell you.. i'm a person... a human... and humans need understanding... I did not say this just for me... but for everyone... maybe my life won't be that long.. but realizing my mistakes and making others happy... it is okay for me... no one knows how I feel and what I'm experiencing, that they call me in many names and laugh about me... a time in which people treated me as a shadow... a wall... just an air passing by... they treated me like a robot... expecting me not to have emotions... expecting me not to be hurt... expecting me that I'm numb and that i do not care... I'll tell you.. I care a lot... you just won't give people, you thought are weird, opportunities... you just judge by the cover then just leave the book unread inside... a reality in which I hardly accept and thought that i can change... a reality in which I am shuttered...

February 14, 2009. The day in which somehow reality sinks in me... everyone dies but not everyone truly lives... everybody expects to be understood but were not understood... many expects to loved but not everyone were loved... a reality which is hard to accept... but it is the truth... to give everything in something is a somehow a good thing especially if it is for a good reason but we shuold also expect that what will return will not be the same as what we give... something which defies the law of physics... the law isaac newton...

February 14 2009. A day in which my heart once again give me a signal... a signal of death.. signal of reality... a painful heart ache which opens a way to reality... somehow.... A valentines day to be remembered... a day to be realized and to be thought of... a day of revelations.... Everyone hopes and dream.. but only few achieves...

*I know many would react on this blog or won't mind this blog. But I tell you. Blogs are made to express ones self, to express ones ideas. right? till next post.*

Connections by the String of Life and Reality

Do you believe that there are connections between each individuals? between you and me? by simply reading this blog of mine, we already have a connection, I have taken a part of your time. A connection which when distorted by using high-tech sci-fi devices such as time machines would change the face of the future forever. This could be seen in movies and shows. Which i tell you would be true. Example: It would have a different effect if tommorow I wear civilian clothes rather than wearing my uniform right? This may sound nuts or lunatic but if you think of it. It is true. A death of a person also affects millions of people but they don't feel it that much. they won't think of that event event but think of the event that affects them which in the other hand is connected to that did person or is one of the result of the death of that person which they doesn't know is the true cause of what happen to them. Getting confuse? Let us put this in other words. Example: A professional IT died. He is the only jewel left in the company he worked for whe he was alive. Then that company sells motherboards, PC parts and PC to the store you trust. One day your friend buy a PC in that store becaue you suggest him to. Then he gets mad at you because the OC he bought is low quality. Then you woulde blame the store. Then they would blame the company. then the company would blame the dead IT. see the connection now? Does it seem clearer now?

*I know many would react on this blog or won't mind this blog. But I tell you. Blogs are made to express ones self, to express ones ideas. right? till next post.*